Rise of the Planet of the Apes

This review's probably going to be a little more thoughtful than funny this time around. Sorry dudes, but sometimes life throws a super serious film your way and it seriously demands the treatment its seriousness demands, seriously.

I haven't seen any of the Planet of the Apes films besides the first one, which isn't something I ever meant to happen but sometimes life throws you a curveball. You wake up one day and you're almost 30, and guess what? You're the guy who's only seen the first Planet of the Apes. How did this happen? What were you doing instead of watching Apes II, III, and lest we forget, IV? Maybe you were doing something really fucking stupid, like not updating your movie blog, or watching other movies and thinking about how they'd be perfect for your movie blog, then not writing about them. Is it possible that maybe you're too lazy to watch all four Planet of the Apes movies? Regardless, this is a problem.

And although I wish I could say that the reason it took me so long time to post this review was because I was fixing this serious problem, it's not true. It was mostly because I was scared. Pressure was on big time to properly convey that Apes was rad, and totally fucking awesome. In my heart though, I felt I was not worthy of the task. And so, instead of gazing into mediocrity's dead eyes and then violently gouging them out, I shrunk like a wilting lily.

This was cowardly of me.

I have thought long and hard on this, and I know now that this weakness within me must be exterminated! For it is the source of my many problems problems like:

Yelling too much at parties!

Having a sub par sense of direction!

Unemployment!

Fear of relationships!

Avarice!

Not seeing all the Apes movies!

And so from henceforth! I vow never again will never bow before the ultimate challenge that is reviewing a new Planet of the Apes movie. This I promise you, faithful blog reader! Never again!


Rise of the Planet of the Apes begins with the invention of a drug that when administered completes the intellectual evolutionary leap for apes, setting off a chain of events causing a little ape named Caesar to ponder what its place in the world is, halfway between ape and man. If you suspect you're not emotionally ready to become seriously involved with a computer generated monkey named Caesar, prepare to get your reality shattered. That string of 1's and 0's is superior at aping being an ape than any people in the movie are at aping being human, or ape, if there were guys in ape costumes at some point during Apes.

If all this sounds kinda heavy for what you thought was gonna be a cool ass romp in the Summer bullshit blockbuster zone you're correct. This movie is nuts. If you haven't picked it up from the title of the film yet, this is kind of an origin story for the Planet of the Apes which (SPOILER ALERT) is actually Earth, so you know the apes are going to rise up, and eventually take that shit over. The thing about this is, you're not emphasizing with the humans while this is happening. Dude, what so crazy.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes was easily the best movie I saw this Summer and the most subversive piece of modern popcorn cinema I've seen since probably Robocop, it's got an Oscar worthy performance by some computer shit, and is the first blockbuster that tackles serious animal rights themes. Check it out, highly recommended.

Well, that review sucked. For future reviews, I'll be mixing older movies in again cause I want to, and it's been kinda hard to get a ride to the theater recently.

Cowboys and Aliens

Here is a picture of Daniel Craig from this movie and some Smurfsalso this post is dedicated to @mandysezz who gives me a ride to all these movies and whose birthday it is today

Well, reasons to see this movie. Two pairs of really really blue eyes. Aliens are cool, the ones in this movie are also pretty cool. You get to see cowboys fight aliens, and Apaches fight aliens (Apaches are of course, much better at this). The aliens have two sets of arms, which is pretty cool. One set is really big and beefy and good for doing stuff like knocking cowboys off horses, and one is little and hidden in a gross little pouch then the pouch opens like an egg, like from Alien, and these two little arms pop out and those arms are good for doing stuff like pawing ineffectually at peoples faces.

Another thing about these cute little arms is when they're sticking out they're set up like T-Rex arms, which is funny since T-Rex's little arms are so damn cute. Not to mention, when those itty bitty little cute arms pop out they're right next to the Aliens heart, which has been hidden in it's alien egg chest. So when those yucky little adorable arms pop out you get to hear it beat, and it makes a really cool sound. Also there's a part where everyone is in a boat and it's upside down.

Neither Han Solo nor Indiana Jones are in this movie, but we do get what some people consider the next best thing, Harrison Ford. He's looking pretty old, but that doesn't stop him from putting in a really mellow, grumbly performance. I found myself too distracted by Daniel Craigs hat shape to really take in what he was doing, but I'm sure it was pretty good. There's a girl who dresses kind of like a western Annie Hall who (spoiler alert!) is some other type of alien. You'd think that that would be kind of a big factor in the film, but not really.

Daniel Craig takes Peyote and sees a hummingbird then sees it again at the end of the movie, and smiles. He smiles like "you crazy hummingbird. Life is sure wild for there to be a hummingbird like you in it, hummingbird. Ha Ha life. The great ride. Hummingbird." That parts cool.

This thing happens also, where Harrison Ford uses a stick to kill an alien and the Apache chief who has thus far been kinda on the fence about him is like, "Oh cool man. You used a stick to kill an alien. Kinda like how I might have done it. Respect." There's a lot of shit like that, where people learn to think each other are cool because they find out people can do cool things when they have to fight aliens. Like so many movies, Cowboys and Aliens makes a very compelling argument for humanity's need of an alien invasion.

There's an Apache guy who hangs with the white dudes and after a little thought I'm pretty sure he dies. Not 100% on this, but I think he was in Twilight so if you're a completest as far as that franchise goes, by all means SEE THIS MOVIE. I kinda wish it had been more successful so we could look forward to more '.... and Aliens' movies. Just in case, films I would like to see in this series are:

Baseball Players and Aliens

Superguys and Aliens

Wizards and Aliens

World War II Vets and Aliens

Kitties and Aliens

Antique Road Show and Aliens

Dragons and Aliens

Hellboys and Aliens

Babies and Aliens

Tortured 18th Century Composers and Aliens

Predators vs. Aliens and Aliens

E.T. and Aliens

Meet the Parents and Aliens

Marx Brothers and Aliens (A.K.A. A Day at the Aliens)

A dollar is about the right price to pay for this film.

Bridesmaids

"Actually , it's pronounced "mill-e-wah-que" which is Algonquin for "the good land."

- Alice Cooper


I was thinking about trying to do this review like Bridesmaids was some sick and brutal movie like Conan or some shit, but that's be dumb cause it'd be all like, there is a realm, where women do battle. A land where women's feelings are hurt, by those they trust the most. Where the bodily humors are given free rein, with no wedding dress left unspared. A land (maybe this is more of a brutal preview) where eyes are rolled, but never gouged. A world strange and savage, but perhaps, just like ours.

In this world run by cruel ritual, women are consumed completely by desire to be wed. All must make the passage but once through, few if any, remain unsoiled. Dark tales are told by those found in the bonds of betrothal. Tales of women desiring tenderness but who are instead taken forcibly every night whilst Jon Stewart watches on, from his Daily Show. Tales of those who have been to the Land of Disney, for honeymoon, but whose husband demands a long and exacting set of conditions, before any sort of bedding might be made. A tale of one trapped. Trapped in a gilded cage, who has been so thoroughly devoured by neglect and loneliness that nothing remains but a ghastly smile atop an empty shell.

But in this world, there are two women. Two women in this world, trapped. Two women trapped in this world. These two women are trapped in this world, in this world that they never made. And they will fight against all odds, to try and find happiness. But those who want to be happy must pay the price. And the price is steep, for it is the price, of Bridesmaids.


$$$.

X Men - First Class

I was pretty pumped to see this movie. Everything I'd heard about it had been pretty negative, but having been a big fan of the X-Men as a kid, young adult, normal adult, and almost old young adult person, I was still excited to see it and felt it would probably be worth a dollar.

Recently I had a conversation about these guys where it was agreed on that the best part of X-Men, is X-Men downtime. The parts that are really good in the comics is when they're just kind of hanging out. Like people are practicing in the danger room but maybe the scenario is a little too intense, then Kitty phases through something she shouldn't have and it breaks. Gambit's hitting on Rogue, Scott and Jean Grey are going through some martial troubles, everyone is jawin' about how they're tired of Wolverine's bad attitude, that's the really good stuff. When they actually go out into the field and coalesce as a team while fighting the Shi'ar or whatever, it can be kind of a snooze.

This is true of the film too, which while not a good movie by any means, tends to shine in it's demented take on X-Men downtime. Stuff like a scene where Beast and Mystique share a tender moment over a bowl of twinkies is way out of line with what I consider normal X-Men behavior. There's also a Training Montage where they're wearing matching grey sweat suits, which climaxes with Magneto crying while using his power to rotate a satellite dish. This is also what I consider pretty abnormal X-Men behavior. And dude, it takes some serious outside of the box thinking to have Professor X say "groovy" like Austin Powers in a movie supposedly, about the X-Men. The only explanation for this is, that this movie is about the moments the X-Men don't really want anyone to see. A part of the X-Men that they were afraid to show the public cause they were worried we'd think they were weenies or something. Which, if true, would make this an extraordinarily brave film. I mean, even the X-Men getting discriminated against (common X-Men trope) has a real odd feel in this movie. Kind of a heavy jocks vs. nerds vibe.

All the action parts are pretty whatever. Nothing comes close to the opening Nightcrawler scene in X2, or anything in that movie, really. Magneto goes rogue a bunch and that's cool, but overall nothing too amazing happens. A big part of the film concerns their behind the scenes role in the Cuban missile crisis, which it turns out Kevin Bacon masterminded. There's a cool part where his head splits in half and then it reforms into normal Kevin Bacon face and you go "Whoa. Kevin Bacon is kind of a weird looking guy." He also wears Magnetos helmet for part of the movie, and the shape of it does something weird with his nose. His nose is already a little weird to begin with so this' pretty cool.

So Kevin Bacons in it, and it's set in the early 60s but IMO there's kind of a lot of missed opportunities, at least as far as period is concerned. DO NOT go to this movie cause you heard about an X-Men movie set in the 60s and you figured it'd have a part where Professor X has a psychedelic awakening while listening to Dylan, or you think that maybe there'll be a scene where Beast plays the bongos while hangin' with beatniks. Also, no Kitty Pride protesting the war in Vietnam. Doesn't happen. So if that's your idea of an ideal X-Men movie set in the 60s, you should probably just pretend this one doesn't exist 'cause you will be disappointed. There are a couple of little nods to it's period though, like the black guy dying first, and lots of mini skirts. Also, Cerebro uses a bunch of reel to reels.

Since it is a back to the beginning, origin film, it takes the time to answer a bunch of kinda banal questions viewers may or may not have had. When I figured out that this was how it was going to go down I started hoping for a really intense, dramatic scene where I learn why Professor X is bald but sadly, no dice. Instead they talk about why they're called the X-Men and other boring bullshit no one cares about.

In conclusion, X-Men First Class not so great, but it makes some truly weird decisions sometimes, and there is a short Wolverine cameo that Jacob said by itself was worth 25 cents, a statement with which I agree, so I would say it was worth two dollars. Also when I was leaving the theatre I saw a poster for an upcoming remake of Straw Dogs and that blew my fucking mind.

Super 8

Super 8 was pretty fucking rad. This was my first experience with going to Cinema Holdings for the only! one! dollar! cinema experience and I was pretty curious as to what it'd be like. Turns out it totally rules, good mix of people all in a really good mood, super dirty, half bags of popcorn everywhere (tried some, way too salty). Having just moved from Philly I was pretty sure it was gonna be just us and room full of bums jerking off, but no dice. This' a family establishment!

Audience make up was a good mix of very young to very old, with a cool group of teens who were really enjoying themselves and getting into the movie. There was also definetly a dude in front of us who was checking his OK Cupid or texts of something else equally stupid while it was going on, but he said something funny when the title came up ("Super Nine, Super Ten"). So I let it slide, and didn't think about putting my fist through the back of his head.

Super 8 has been getting a lot of praise/flack for being pretty Spielbergian and I can verify, that it is that. It's really sentimental at parts, centers around kids doing awesome stuff while also interacting like real kids doing it, and has a good sense of the fantastic. Some people think it's a lot like E.T. a movie which personally creeps me out, but it reminded me more of Goonies, which is an awesome movie and an important part of my childhood DNA.

There are many things that make this film awesome including,

A funny fat kid.

A dude who looks like Sabretooth if he was sad always.

A funny little kid who Mandy had conflicting feelings about 'cause he looks like a little Tom Petty with braces (bad), but is also super funny and likes explosions and other awesome stuff (good).

Multiple incredible shots of kids riding bikes, IMO one of the coolest things you can show in a movie.

A perfect shot of kids running towards a fence and then jumping over it then running some more.

A few parts where you might tear up if you tear up at the movies.

And a perfect shot of kids all throwing their backpacks over a fence, then jumping over it (yes!).

If these things appeal to you maybe you should see this movie. It was directed by J.J. Abrams who I always thought was a total idiot because he made Lost which sucks. Plus that time he made Captain Kirk listen to Sabotage then drive a car off a cliff, which is so mind bogglingly stupid only a total and complete piece of shit could ever think of it.

It was also paradoxically, my favorite part of that movie.


Anyone who tries to make a Star Trek movie after IV should probably be lined up against a wall and shot anyways. So like I was saying, he's probably still a total idiot. But! this was a really good movie about kids going on cool adventures, being kids and just generally ruling. It was a pretty cool movie and I would have gladly paid five dollars to see it.

The Return of Cool Movies That Rule or; There's a Movie Theatre in East Providence Where You Can See Movies For a Dollar

Greetings and Salutations loyal blog readers! I've decided to revive this blog because as you can see from the title, there's a second run movie theatre in East Providence! On Tuesdays you can see movies for a dollar! That's awesome!

The blog's focus will of course have to change, but it's ok, although I will never be tired of watching fucking totally cool movies from the 80s early 90s I feel like I have totally exhausted whatever I was trying to say or whatever.

So the Providence version of this blog will be dedicated to reviewing movies that you have already seen, or already decided that you weren't going to see.

Due to these new developments, I'm going to institute a new ratings policy based on what I would have paid to see the movie. It'll be on a scale of one to six dollars, since six is the absolute highest anyone should ever have to pay to see a movie, ever.

OK! Onto the movies!

Vampires Kiss

Really good movies, movies that are pretty life changing, are hard to write about. When I was a little younger and a real broke ass, I had a rule where I would go see a movie in the theater only if I thought it was going to change my life. What this boiled down to was, there were a few years where the only films I saw in the theater were whatever Lord of the Rings movie came out that year, and Spiderman 2.

It was a pretty cool rule.

Anyways, Vampire's Kiss is awesome. This movie gives the raw dirt on what turning into a vampire is really like. Hollywood would like you to think that turning into a vampire make you irresistible to the opposite sex and as a result, you'll finally land that monogamous non sexual relationship you always dreamed of. Unfortunately, like a lot of things that are totally fake and bogus, the truth is way darker. Getting turned into a vampire is a lot like getting turned into a werewolf, zombie, or any other monster. Basically, you turn into a giant asshole, and everyone hates you.

When you're watching movies about turning into a monster, sometimes it's uncool. You end up wishing everyone would cut the monster some slack, like in Frankenstein. Other times it's cool when they kill all the monsters, like in Night of the Living Dead. In case you're wondering, Vampire's Kiss doesn't really fall into either of these categories.

Nick Cage rules!

There's not really a whole lot to talk about in this movie. Nick Cage does some of his best acting ever in it though, lots of mugging and running after people and jumping on tables and yelling.

It's nuts.

There's a part where he eats a live cockroach, which although a major selling point for me going into the movie, is now kinda bottom rung as far as awesome things that happen in this movie go. If you want to truly understand how amazing this movie is, you need to imagine a ladder going up to heaven where the first step is Nicholas Cage eating a cockroach. Every step after that though is Nicholas Cage doing something else totally amazing that somehow dwarfs that. And this ladder, it goes on forever. It's really long. Really really long. Really really really long, you're starting to wonder when this ladder is ever going to end and then you meet God. And God's all like,

"Oh hey, I'm kinda busy right now, but what's up?"

And you're all like,

"Fuck you God! Vampire's Kiss is the greatest movie ever! Vampires Kiss is my new God now, God! How you like them apples, God!"

And God's all like,

"Whoa. Heavy."