Snake Eater

Snake Eater is a difficult film. In fact, It wouldn't be hard for someone to make the argument that, it is not cool, and also, it does not rule. It wouldn't be hard for them to say,

"This movie is dumb! When you Google Lamas, pictures of Llamas come up! Lots of them! I am lazy! His whole name is long and besides writing it is not worth my time because WHY DID I WATCH THIS MOVIE! I have made so many bad decisions in my life."

Anyways, there's a part where Snake Eater throws a beer bottle at some guys crotch and it's very surprising. He doesn't eat any snakes but his Father does get a fish shoved into his mouth. He pretends to have a wire up his butt. Some guy drives a motorcycle off a pier into a lake.

That parts pretty weird.

He is later killed by a bear glove. Snake Eater also uses pliers to rip a guys tooth out of his mouth at a bar, and everyone at the bar cheers after he does this. It does that thing where you're pretty sure the movie should be over but it's not. Snake Eaters name in the movie is not Snake Eater, it's Soldier. His love interest is named the Kid.

Also shows up when you Google Lamas.

In conclusion, this movie has a lot going for it but ultimately does not rule. Plot wise it's exactly like Deliverance if you remove all the stuff that happens in Deliverance and replace it with some of the things that happen in Snake Eater. If you are interested in seeing some cool stuff interspersed with a lot of sucky stuff that's both confusing and not cool, Snake Eater is the movie for you.

Desert Heat

Desert Heat rules. This movie is crazy. Danny Trejo gives Van Damme a foot massage. I didn't see the Expendables but I'll bet nothing nearly as insane happens. A little tip for all you young filmmakers out there. If you ever want to really mess with your viewers heads, just have some tough dude give another tough dude a foot massage. If what happens in Desert Heat is any indication afterward, you can do pretty much whatever you want.

Desert Heat is loosely based on Yojimbo. Van Damme races a coyote with his motorcycle in the beginning of the movie. Van Damme totally beats the Coyote, then does it again at the end of the movie. There's a cool part where he has sex with two girls at the same time. The whole town watches and talks about what a stud he is. It sounds like I'm exaggerating but there's only about six or so people in the town. This is ok because the dude who plays the ghost in the subway from Ghost is one of them. He plays an Indian shopkeeper. Pat Morita is also in it. He spends most of the movie wrapping dead bodies head to toe in Saran Wrap.

So much awesome shit happens in this movie. Shortly after getting a foot massage from Danny Trejo, Van Damme and Trejo have a long talk outside.

And it's really windy outside.

Super windy.

It's so windy that at the end of their talk Van Damme has to say "Windy out here!"

It is that windy while they're talking.

It might be one of the windiest scenes I've ever seen in a movie that didn't involve a boat getting shipwrecked, or the Eiffel Tower getting pushed through the Statue of Liberties eye or something. Twister probably has a couple of scenes that are windier and maybe if Bill Paxton gave Cary Elwes a foot massage I'd give a shit. But y'know what?

He doesn't.

So I don't.


FUCK TWISTER.


Anyways, I know I said at the beginning that this movie rules, but if I wanted to be wholly accurate, I'd have to say that it's totally awesome. You all should see it, this is definitely one of my favorite Van Damme films. It rules.

Also if you search for it on Google image search a punch of furry porn comes up. There is basically nothing wrong with this movie.

Hard To Kill

This review might not get everything because I haven't seen this movie in a while and I don't really want to watch it again.

Seagal isn't mine or I think anyone's favorite dude, really. He's not awesome like Van Damme or totally brutal like Stallone or Schwarzenegger. We must have done something to deserve him though, so we still need to recognize that it's important to watch his movies.

This movies has some pretty good bits in it, and has a couple of good lines. This is probably the best one, which he says after he impales this dude on a pool cue. Keep in mind this' kinda the climax of the movie.



He does kill a ton of dudes in this movie and gets shot a ton in the beginning, which is pretty cool, but after getting shot in the beginning, no one ever manages to lay a hand on him. You'd think this would be a plus for an action hero, and occasionally you'll find a guy who can can pull it off. Unfortunately for Seagal, he can't, and everytime he doesn't get hit it seems like he's hiding something.

Besides that there's a cool part where he wakes up with a really well groomed beard after being in a coma for several years. That part rules, besides the pool cue part it's definitely the best part of the movie.

Yeah, this movie was awesome but overall I'd say it was Pretty OK.

Universal Soldier

Universal Soldier is a pretty sweet movie.

It's basically Terminator if Terminator as a movie, was not so smart.

There's a cool part where this dude gets his face punched in, then his neck gets snapped because the dude who punched in his face totally turns his wrist. INSIDE HIS FACE.

The acting is pretty good. Van Damme acts kinda like a little dog the whole time. Dolph Lundgren hasn't really gotten the hang of doing an American accent yet.

The moral of the movie is do drugs.

It ends with this cool song.






All in all I'm gonna have to say that Universal Soldier was pretty sweet. And just in case you were wondering, Van Damme does show his butt in it, and that part is crazy.