Vampires Kiss

Really good movies, movies that are pretty life changing, are hard to write about. When I was a little younger and a real broke ass, I had a rule where I would go see a movie in the theater only if I thought it was going to change my life. What this boiled down to was, there were a few years where the only films I saw in the theater were whatever Lord of the Rings movie came out that year, and Spiderman 2.

It was a pretty cool rule.

Anyways, Vampire's Kiss is awesome. This movie gives the raw dirt on what turning into a vampire is really like. Hollywood would like you to think that turning into a vampire make you irresistible to the opposite sex and as a result, you'll finally land that monogamous non sexual relationship you always dreamed of. Unfortunately, like a lot of things that are totally fake and bogus, the truth is way darker. Getting turned into a vampire is a lot like getting turned into a werewolf, zombie, or any other monster. Basically, you turn into a giant asshole, and everyone hates you.

When you're watching movies about turning into a monster, sometimes it's uncool. You end up wishing everyone would cut the monster some slack, like in Frankenstein. Other times it's cool when they kill all the monsters, like in Night of the Living Dead. In case you're wondering, Vampire's Kiss doesn't really fall into either of these categories.

Nick Cage rules!

There's not really a whole lot to talk about in this movie. Nick Cage does some of his best acting ever in it though, lots of mugging and running after people and jumping on tables and yelling.

It's nuts.

There's a part where he eats a live cockroach, which although a major selling point for me going into the movie, is now kinda bottom rung as far as awesome things that happen in this movie go. If you want to truly understand how amazing this movie is, you need to imagine a ladder going up to heaven where the first step is Nicholas Cage eating a cockroach. Every step after that though is Nicholas Cage doing something else totally amazing that somehow dwarfs that. And this ladder, it goes on forever. It's really long. Really really long. Really really really long, you're starting to wonder when this ladder is ever going to end and then you meet God. And God's all like,

"Oh hey, I'm kinda busy right now, but what's up?"

And you're all like,

"Fuck you God! Vampire's Kiss is the greatest movie ever! Vampires Kiss is my new God now, God! How you like them apples, God!"

And God's all like,

"Whoa. Heavy."

The Social Network and Edward Scissorhands are basically the same movie; or, A Slight Digression

Ok, I realize that this is way outside the sphere that this blog usually inhabits but, to quote a man greater than myself, I found that this blog post was "Burning Inside", and so had to write it.

Today our subject will be how this movie:


Is basically the exact same thing as this one:



I'll be brief because I have more important entries I really should be writing (Raw Deal, Hard Ticket to Hawaii, any Van Damme movie ever made except for maybe The Quest). Also you should be warned, this contains spoilers for both films, and even though neither of them rule, and are both as well pretty totally uncool (the Social Network excels in this category, actually). They are totally worth watching, if you are interested in spending roughly four hours doing uncool things that don't rule. In fact, If you think about it for a sec, there are way worse ways you could spend those four hours. For example: working at your job, doing laundry, going to the grocery store, taking a really long shower, waiting in the emergency room, or maybe even reading blog posts on the internet. In fact, I would argue that watching either one of these movies is a pretty good use of your time spent not participating in activities that are cool, and rule.

So.

This movie is about a misfit:















Who can't fit into society so he compensates by using a gift inherent only to him, and gives the world something unique.












Which changes folks lives dramatically. Unfortunately, the thing he makes although great, is a poor substitute for basic social skills and he ends up completely alone. They both as well indirectly end up being destroyed by normal guy jock "elite" dudes. Edward by killing him by mistake, Zuckerberg by trying to adopt their mannerisms. This is not to say that there aren't subtle differences between the two. For example, in the movie, Mark Zuckerberg doesn't have scissors for hands.






Otherwise, totally the same thing. In conclusion, I would like to apologize to any of my more sensitive readers who may have become upset, about the unorthodox nature of this post. Next week, more important movies, that matter.

Cobra

Cobra was really good. I can't think of a single moment when I was watching this, where I wasn't marveling at how totally awesome it was. From the opening, where Stallone recites a bunch of crime statistics then kills everyone watching the movie; till the end, which takes place in a factory next to a lemon grove, it's pretty much balls to the wall kick ass. The factory, just in case you were wondering, is cool because it's main exports are sparks, geysers of flame, and giant meat hooks on chains. No one seems to work there. The factory in Cobra kicks serious ass.

Stallone plays a tough cop in this movie. He also plays by his own rules.

He's health conscious too, which is pretty cool. He also has a neon Pepsi sign on his back porch, which is pretty cool too. There are actually kind of alot of Pepsi signs in this movie. This is probably because this movie was made in the 80s and Pepsi kicked serious ass back then. One of the many interesting character quirks in the movie is that Cobras partner really likes sweets. He prefers Coke to Cobras Pepsi, which is one of the many reasons they're kind of an odd couple. Cobra also cuts the tips of his pizza slices off with a pair of scissors. He only eats the tips. That's where all the nutrients are.

The gang Cobra fights in this movie spend all of their free time (when they're not killing people) hanging out with each other in this warehouse clicking axes above their heads. I was alive in the 80's unlike some of my readers, and so can vouch that this is an accurate portrayal of what people in gangs would do, when not killing people.

In conclusion, Cobra rules. Hawks shriek when he closes his eyes. He shoots people then says "drop it". He's got a laser scope. His license plate is Awsom 50. In a cooler world, Cobra IV: Marion Cobretti would be coming soon to a theater near you, unfortunately we live in a world only cool enough for one film in the Cobra franchise. Which is still pretty cool.

Over The Top

I was pretty sure that Over The Top was going to be the most amazing thing I'd ever seen. I mean, Stallone, arm wrestling, in a movie? That sounds awesome! Unfortunately, no one thought to tell me that this movie isn't actually about arm wrestling. It's about Stallone reconnecting with his long lost son that he abandoned for 10 years. And you know what that is?

A fucking stupid idea for a movie! If I wanted to see a movie about Stallone reconnecting with family I would've watched Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot! If this was a true arm wrestling film it probably would've been a huge success and Over the Top V: Lincoln Hawk, would be coming soon to a theater near you, and everyone would be PUMPED. If you need evidence to back it up, it's in the few parts where there's actually any arm wrestling. Those parts rule! They're full of giant dudes drinking motor oil, making crazy faces, sweating, grunting, and wearing extremely tall platform shoes. Awesome!

Unfortunately, there's only 3 such sequences in the movie. And one is between two kids! No one wants to see kids arm wrestle, that's boring and weird. You have to wait like 70 minutes for the serious arm wrestling to happen. The movie should be pretty much over by then.

Stallone co wrote this and if I had to guess why, I'd say it's because he wanted to show off his acting chops. To his credit, the acting's pretty solid. He uses different intonations for some of his words and he definitely made some faces I hadn't seen before. There isn't a part that requires him crying, but if there was, I'm pretty sure he'd have done a great job. It's just such a shame that he was unwilling to put this performance in for a movie actually about arm wrestling.

Since Stallone is in this movie, and since the ending is pretty much awesome non stop arm wrestling action, I'm going to have to say that this movie is cool, and does rule, and therefore has a place on this blog. When you get down to it though, this movie is just OK. Also someone told me there was a part where they arm wrestle on spikes and that does NOT happen.

I Drink Your Blood

I always suspected that someone made a movie like this, and am psyched to see that not only does it exist, but also, that it totally rules. Although I Drink Your Blood lacks many of the elements that makes a movie awesome like guns shooting, explosions, car chases, and dudes being dudes, it whoops serious ass on some other levels. I suspect that my readers who are way into art and books, will really like this movie.

I Drink Your Blood was made in 1970, and it's uncanny how accurately it portrays what I'm pretty sure the 1960s were really like. It's about a bunch of hippies who go to a mostly abandoned town of 40 people and try to create a society of their own, where they can be free. But they're evil and worship Satan, so beat up an old man then dose him with LSD. They also have a rat killing competition. One of them is pregnant and she smokes. Then they get rabies and the movie gets pretty crazy.

All the acting is really good, everyone is real wide eyed and very shiny looking. The soundtrack is really good too, it's all this rad 60s synth stuff. Mostly laser sounds. I wrote Lord of the Rings in my notes while I was watching, but am now having a hard time figuring out why. There's a couple of really dark free love parts. In conclusion, this movie is Totally Awesome and everyone should see it.

Snake Eater

Snake Eater is a difficult film. In fact, It wouldn't be hard for someone to make the argument that, it is not cool, and also, it does not rule. It wouldn't be hard for them to say,

"This movie is dumb! When you Google Lamas, pictures of Llamas come up! Lots of them! I am lazy! His whole name is long and besides writing it is not worth my time because WHY DID I WATCH THIS MOVIE! I have made so many bad decisions in my life."

Anyways, there's a part where Snake Eater throws a beer bottle at some guys crotch and it's very surprising. He doesn't eat any snakes but his Father does get a fish shoved into his mouth. He pretends to have a wire up his butt. Some guy drives a motorcycle off a pier into a lake.

That parts pretty weird.

He is later killed by a bear glove. Snake Eater also uses pliers to rip a guys tooth out of his mouth at a bar, and everyone at the bar cheers after he does this. It does that thing where you're pretty sure the movie should be over but it's not. Snake Eaters name in the movie is not Snake Eater, it's Soldier. His love interest is named the Kid.

Also shows up when you Google Lamas.

In conclusion, this movie has a lot going for it but ultimately does not rule. Plot wise it's exactly like Deliverance if you remove all the stuff that happens in Deliverance and replace it with some of the things that happen in Snake Eater. If you are interested in seeing some cool stuff interspersed with a lot of sucky stuff that's both confusing and not cool, Snake Eater is the movie for you.

Desert Heat

Desert Heat rules. This movie is crazy. Danny Trejo gives Van Damme a foot massage. I didn't see the Expendables but I'll bet nothing nearly as insane happens. A little tip for all you young filmmakers out there. If you ever want to really mess with your viewers heads, just have some tough dude give another tough dude a foot massage. If what happens in Desert Heat is any indication afterward, you can do pretty much whatever you want.

Desert Heat is loosely based on Yojimbo. Van Damme races a coyote with his motorcycle in the beginning of the movie. Van Damme totally beats the Coyote, then does it again at the end of the movie. There's a cool part where he has sex with two girls at the same time. The whole town watches and talks about what a stud he is. It sounds like I'm exaggerating but there's only about six or so people in the town. This is ok because the dude who plays the ghost in the subway from Ghost is one of them. He plays an Indian shopkeeper. Pat Morita is also in it. He spends most of the movie wrapping dead bodies head to toe in Saran Wrap.

So much awesome shit happens in this movie. Shortly after getting a foot massage from Danny Trejo, Van Damme and Trejo have a long talk outside.

And it's really windy outside.

Super windy.

It's so windy that at the end of their talk Van Damme has to say "Windy out here!"

It is that windy while they're talking.

It might be one of the windiest scenes I've ever seen in a movie that didn't involve a boat getting shipwrecked, or the Eiffel Tower getting pushed through the Statue of Liberties eye or something. Twister probably has a couple of scenes that are windier and maybe if Bill Paxton gave Cary Elwes a foot massage I'd give a shit. But y'know what?

He doesn't.

So I don't.


FUCK TWISTER.


Anyways, I know I said at the beginning that this movie rules, but if I wanted to be wholly accurate, I'd have to say that it's totally awesome. You all should see it, this is definitely one of my favorite Van Damme films. It rules.

Also if you search for it on Google image search a punch of furry porn comes up. There is basically nothing wrong with this movie.

Hard To Kill

This review might not get everything because I haven't seen this movie in a while and I don't really want to watch it again.

Seagal isn't mine or I think anyone's favorite dude, really. He's not awesome like Van Damme or totally brutal like Stallone or Schwarzenegger. We must have done something to deserve him though, so we still need to recognize that it's important to watch his movies.

This movies has some pretty good bits in it, and has a couple of good lines. This is probably the best one, which he says after he impales this dude on a pool cue. Keep in mind this' kinda the climax of the movie.



He does kill a ton of dudes in this movie and gets shot a ton in the beginning, which is pretty cool, but after getting shot in the beginning, no one ever manages to lay a hand on him. You'd think this would be a plus for an action hero, and occasionally you'll find a guy who can can pull it off. Unfortunately for Seagal, he can't, and everytime he doesn't get hit it seems like he's hiding something.

Besides that there's a cool part where he wakes up with a really well groomed beard after being in a coma for several years. That part rules, besides the pool cue part it's definitely the best part of the movie.

Yeah, this movie was awesome but overall I'd say it was Pretty OK.

Universal Soldier

Universal Soldier is a pretty sweet movie.

It's basically Terminator if Terminator as a movie, was not so smart.

There's a cool part where this dude gets his face punched in, then his neck gets snapped because the dude who punched in his face totally turns his wrist. INSIDE HIS FACE.

The acting is pretty good. Van Damme acts kinda like a little dog the whole time. Dolph Lundgren hasn't really gotten the hang of doing an American accent yet.

The moral of the movie is do drugs.

It ends with this cool song.






All in all I'm gonna have to say that Universal Soldier was pretty sweet. And just in case you were wondering, Van Damme does show his butt in it, and that part is crazy.