Bridesmaids

"Actually , it's pronounced "mill-e-wah-que" which is Algonquin for "the good land."

- Alice Cooper


I was thinking about trying to do this review like Bridesmaids was some sick and brutal movie like Conan or some shit, but that's be dumb cause it'd be all like, there is a realm, where women do battle. A land where women's feelings are hurt, by those they trust the most. Where the bodily humors are given free rein, with no wedding dress left unspared. A land (maybe this is more of a brutal preview) where eyes are rolled, but never gouged. A world strange and savage, but perhaps, just like ours.

In this world run by cruel ritual, women are consumed completely by desire to be wed. All must make the passage but once through, few if any, remain unsoiled. Dark tales are told by those found in the bonds of betrothal. Tales of women desiring tenderness but who are instead taken forcibly every night whilst Jon Stewart watches on, from his Daily Show. Tales of those who have been to the Land of Disney, for honeymoon, but whose husband demands a long and exacting set of conditions, before any sort of bedding might be made. A tale of one trapped. Trapped in a gilded cage, who has been so thoroughly devoured by neglect and loneliness that nothing remains but a ghastly smile atop an empty shell.

But in this world, there are two women. Two women in this world, trapped. Two women trapped in this world. These two women are trapped in this world, in this world that they never made. And they will fight against all odds, to try and find happiness. But those who want to be happy must pay the price. And the price is steep, for it is the price, of Bridesmaids.


$$$.

X Men - First Class

I was pretty pumped to see this movie. Everything I'd heard about it had been pretty negative, but having been a big fan of the X-Men as a kid, young adult, normal adult, and almost old young adult person, I was still excited to see it and felt it would probably be worth a dollar.

Recently I had a conversation about these guys where it was agreed on that the best part of X-Men, is X-Men downtime. The parts that are really good in the comics is when they're just kind of hanging out. Like people are practicing in the danger room but maybe the scenario is a little too intense, then Kitty phases through something she shouldn't have and it breaks. Gambit's hitting on Rogue, Scott and Jean Grey are going through some martial troubles, everyone is jawin' about how they're tired of Wolverine's bad attitude, that's the really good stuff. When they actually go out into the field and coalesce as a team while fighting the Shi'ar or whatever, it can be kind of a snooze.

This is true of the film too, which while not a good movie by any means, tends to shine in it's demented take on X-Men downtime. Stuff like a scene where Beast and Mystique share a tender moment over a bowl of twinkies is way out of line with what I consider normal X-Men behavior. There's also a Training Montage where they're wearing matching grey sweat suits, which climaxes with Magneto crying while using his power to rotate a satellite dish. This is also what I consider pretty abnormal X-Men behavior. And dude, it takes some serious outside of the box thinking to have Professor X say "groovy" like Austin Powers in a movie supposedly, about the X-Men. The only explanation for this is, that this movie is about the moments the X-Men don't really want anyone to see. A part of the X-Men that they were afraid to show the public cause they were worried we'd think they were weenies or something. Which, if true, would make this an extraordinarily brave film. I mean, even the X-Men getting discriminated against (common X-Men trope) has a real odd feel in this movie. Kind of a heavy jocks vs. nerds vibe.

All the action parts are pretty whatever. Nothing comes close to the opening Nightcrawler scene in X2, or anything in that movie, really. Magneto goes rogue a bunch and that's cool, but overall nothing too amazing happens. A big part of the film concerns their behind the scenes role in the Cuban missile crisis, which it turns out Kevin Bacon masterminded. There's a cool part where his head splits in half and then it reforms into normal Kevin Bacon face and you go "Whoa. Kevin Bacon is kind of a weird looking guy." He also wears Magnetos helmet for part of the movie, and the shape of it does something weird with his nose. His nose is already a little weird to begin with so this' pretty cool.

So Kevin Bacons in it, and it's set in the early 60s but IMO there's kind of a lot of missed opportunities, at least as far as period is concerned. DO NOT go to this movie cause you heard about an X-Men movie set in the 60s and you figured it'd have a part where Professor X has a psychedelic awakening while listening to Dylan, or you think that maybe there'll be a scene where Beast plays the bongos while hangin' with beatniks. Also, no Kitty Pride protesting the war in Vietnam. Doesn't happen. So if that's your idea of an ideal X-Men movie set in the 60s, you should probably just pretend this one doesn't exist 'cause you will be disappointed. There are a couple of little nods to it's period though, like the black guy dying first, and lots of mini skirts. Also, Cerebro uses a bunch of reel to reels.

Since it is a back to the beginning, origin film, it takes the time to answer a bunch of kinda banal questions viewers may or may not have had. When I figured out that this was how it was going to go down I started hoping for a really intense, dramatic scene where I learn why Professor X is bald but sadly, no dice. Instead they talk about why they're called the X-Men and other boring bullshit no one cares about.

In conclusion, X-Men First Class not so great, but it makes some truly weird decisions sometimes, and there is a short Wolverine cameo that Jacob said by itself was worth 25 cents, a statement with which I agree, so I would say it was worth two dollars. Also when I was leaving the theatre I saw a poster for an upcoming remake of Straw Dogs and that blew my fucking mind.

Super 8

Super 8 was pretty fucking rad. This was my first experience with going to Cinema Holdings for the only! one! dollar! cinema experience and I was pretty curious as to what it'd be like. Turns out it totally rules, good mix of people all in a really good mood, super dirty, half bags of popcorn everywhere (tried some, way too salty). Having just moved from Philly I was pretty sure it was gonna be just us and room full of bums jerking off, but no dice. This' a family establishment!

Audience make up was a good mix of very young to very old, with a cool group of teens who were really enjoying themselves and getting into the movie. There was also definetly a dude in front of us who was checking his OK Cupid or texts of something else equally stupid while it was going on, but he said something funny when the title came up ("Super Nine, Super Ten"). So I let it slide, and didn't think about putting my fist through the back of his head.

Super 8 has been getting a lot of praise/flack for being pretty Spielbergian and I can verify, that it is that. It's really sentimental at parts, centers around kids doing awesome stuff while also interacting like real kids doing it, and has a good sense of the fantastic. Some people think it's a lot like E.T. a movie which personally creeps me out, but it reminded me more of Goonies, which is an awesome movie and an important part of my childhood DNA.

There are many things that make this film awesome including,

A funny fat kid.

A dude who looks like Sabretooth if he was sad always.

A funny little kid who Mandy had conflicting feelings about 'cause he looks like a little Tom Petty with braces (bad), but is also super funny and likes explosions and other awesome stuff (good).

Multiple incredible shots of kids riding bikes, IMO one of the coolest things you can show in a movie.

A perfect shot of kids running towards a fence and then jumping over it then running some more.

A few parts where you might tear up if you tear up at the movies.

And a perfect shot of kids all throwing their backpacks over a fence, then jumping over it (yes!).

If these things appeal to you maybe you should see this movie. It was directed by J.J. Abrams who I always thought was a total idiot because he made Lost which sucks. Plus that time he made Captain Kirk listen to Sabotage then drive a car off a cliff, which is so mind bogglingly stupid only a total and complete piece of shit could ever think of it.

It was also paradoxically, my favorite part of that movie.


Anyone who tries to make a Star Trek movie after IV should probably be lined up against a wall and shot anyways. So like I was saying, he's probably still a total idiot. But! this was a really good movie about kids going on cool adventures, being kids and just generally ruling. It was a pretty cool movie and I would have gladly paid five dollars to see it.

The Return of Cool Movies That Rule or; There's a Movie Theatre in East Providence Where You Can See Movies For a Dollar

Greetings and Salutations loyal blog readers! I've decided to revive this blog because as you can see from the title, there's a second run movie theatre in East Providence! On Tuesdays you can see movies for a dollar! That's awesome!

The blog's focus will of course have to change, but it's ok, although I will never be tired of watching fucking totally cool movies from the 80s early 90s I feel like I have totally exhausted whatever I was trying to say or whatever.

So the Providence version of this blog will be dedicated to reviewing movies that you have already seen, or already decided that you weren't going to see.

Due to these new developments, I'm going to institute a new ratings policy based on what I would have paid to see the movie. It'll be on a scale of one to six dollars, since six is the absolute highest anyone should ever have to pay to see a movie, ever.

OK! Onto the movies!