Vampires Kiss

Really good movies, movies that are pretty life changing, are hard to write about. When I was a little younger and a real broke ass, I had a rule where I would go see a movie in the theater only if I thought it was going to change my life. What this boiled down to was, there were a few years where the only films I saw in the theater were whatever Lord of the Rings movie came out that year, and Spiderman 2.

It was a pretty cool rule.

Anyways, Vampire's Kiss is awesome. This movie gives the raw dirt on what turning into a vampire is really like. Hollywood would like you to think that turning into a vampire make you irresistible to the opposite sex and as a result, you'll finally land that monogamous non sexual relationship you always dreamed of. Unfortunately, like a lot of things that are totally fake and bogus, the truth is way darker. Getting turned into a vampire is a lot like getting turned into a werewolf, zombie, or any other monster. Basically, you turn into a giant asshole, and everyone hates you.

When you're watching movies about turning into a monster, sometimes it's uncool. You end up wishing everyone would cut the monster some slack, like in Frankenstein. Other times it's cool when they kill all the monsters, like in Night of the Living Dead. In case you're wondering, Vampire's Kiss doesn't really fall into either of these categories.

Nick Cage rules!

There's not really a whole lot to talk about in this movie. Nick Cage does some of his best acting ever in it though, lots of mugging and running after people and jumping on tables and yelling.

It's nuts.

There's a part where he eats a live cockroach, which although a major selling point for me going into the movie, is now kinda bottom rung as far as awesome things that happen in this movie go. If you want to truly understand how amazing this movie is, you need to imagine a ladder going up to heaven where the first step is Nicholas Cage eating a cockroach. Every step after that though is Nicholas Cage doing something else totally amazing that somehow dwarfs that. And this ladder, it goes on forever. It's really long. Really really long. Really really really long, you're starting to wonder when this ladder is ever going to end and then you meet God. And God's all like,

"Oh hey, I'm kinda busy right now, but what's up?"

And you're all like,

"Fuck you God! Vampire's Kiss is the greatest movie ever! Vampires Kiss is my new God now, God! How you like them apples, God!"

And God's all like,

"Whoa. Heavy."

I Drink Your Blood

I always suspected that someone made a movie like this, and am psyched to see that not only does it exist, but also, that it totally rules. Although I Drink Your Blood lacks many of the elements that makes a movie awesome like guns shooting, explosions, car chases, and dudes being dudes, it whoops serious ass on some other levels. I suspect that my readers who are way into art and books, will really like this movie.

I Drink Your Blood was made in 1970, and it's uncanny how accurately it portrays what I'm pretty sure the 1960s were really like. It's about a bunch of hippies who go to a mostly abandoned town of 40 people and try to create a society of their own, where they can be free. But they're evil and worship Satan, so beat up an old man then dose him with LSD. They also have a rat killing competition. One of them is pregnant and she smokes. Then they get rabies and the movie gets pretty crazy.

All the acting is really good, everyone is real wide eyed and very shiny looking. The soundtrack is really good too, it's all this rad 60s synth stuff. Mostly laser sounds. I wrote Lord of the Rings in my notes while I was watching, but am now having a hard time figuring out why. There's a couple of really dark free love parts. In conclusion, this movie is Totally Awesome and everyone should see it.

Desert Heat

Desert Heat rules. This movie is crazy. Danny Trejo gives Van Damme a foot massage. I didn't see the Expendables but I'll bet nothing nearly as insane happens. A little tip for all you young filmmakers out there. If you ever want to really mess with your viewers heads, just have some tough dude give another tough dude a foot massage. If what happens in Desert Heat is any indication afterward, you can do pretty much whatever you want.

Desert Heat is loosely based on Yojimbo. Van Damme races a coyote with his motorcycle in the beginning of the movie. Van Damme totally beats the Coyote, then does it again at the end of the movie. There's a cool part where he has sex with two girls at the same time. The whole town watches and talks about what a stud he is. It sounds like I'm exaggerating but there's only about six or so people in the town. This is ok because the dude who plays the ghost in the subway from Ghost is one of them. He plays an Indian shopkeeper. Pat Morita is also in it. He spends most of the movie wrapping dead bodies head to toe in Saran Wrap.

So much awesome shit happens in this movie. Shortly after getting a foot massage from Danny Trejo, Van Damme and Trejo have a long talk outside.

And it's really windy outside.

Super windy.

It's so windy that at the end of their talk Van Damme has to say "Windy out here!"

It is that windy while they're talking.

It might be one of the windiest scenes I've ever seen in a movie that didn't involve a boat getting shipwrecked, or the Eiffel Tower getting pushed through the Statue of Liberties eye or something. Twister probably has a couple of scenes that are windier and maybe if Bill Paxton gave Cary Elwes a foot massage I'd give a shit. But y'know what?

He doesn't.

So I don't.


FUCK TWISTER.


Anyways, I know I said at the beginning that this movie rules, but if I wanted to be wholly accurate, I'd have to say that it's totally awesome. You all should see it, this is definitely one of my favorite Van Damme films. It rules.

Also if you search for it on Google image search a punch of furry porn comes up. There is basically nothing wrong with this movie.