Vampires Kiss

Really good movies, movies that are pretty life changing, are hard to write about. When I was a little younger and a real broke ass, I had a rule where I would go see a movie in the theater only if I thought it was going to change my life. What this boiled down to was, there were a few years where the only films I saw in the theater were whatever Lord of the Rings movie came out that year, and Spiderman 2.

It was a pretty cool rule.

Anyways, Vampire's Kiss is awesome. This movie gives the raw dirt on what turning into a vampire is really like. Hollywood would like you to think that turning into a vampire make you irresistible to the opposite sex and as a result, you'll finally land that monogamous non sexual relationship you always dreamed of. Unfortunately, like a lot of things that are totally fake and bogus, the truth is way darker. Getting turned into a vampire is a lot like getting turned into a werewolf, zombie, or any other monster. Basically, you turn into a giant asshole, and everyone hates you.

When you're watching movies about turning into a monster, sometimes it's uncool. You end up wishing everyone would cut the monster some slack, like in Frankenstein. Other times it's cool when they kill all the monsters, like in Night of the Living Dead. In case you're wondering, Vampire's Kiss doesn't really fall into either of these categories.

Nick Cage rules!

There's not really a whole lot to talk about in this movie. Nick Cage does some of his best acting ever in it though, lots of mugging and running after people and jumping on tables and yelling.

It's nuts.

There's a part where he eats a live cockroach, which although a major selling point for me going into the movie, is now kinda bottom rung as far as awesome things that happen in this movie go. If you want to truly understand how amazing this movie is, you need to imagine a ladder going up to heaven where the first step is Nicholas Cage eating a cockroach. Every step after that though is Nicholas Cage doing something else totally amazing that somehow dwarfs that. And this ladder, it goes on forever. It's really long. Really really long. Really really really long, you're starting to wonder when this ladder is ever going to end and then you meet God. And God's all like,

"Oh hey, I'm kinda busy right now, but what's up?"

And you're all like,

"Fuck you God! Vampire's Kiss is the greatest movie ever! Vampires Kiss is my new God now, God! How you like them apples, God!"

And God's all like,

"Whoa. Heavy."