Cobra

Cobra was really good. I can't think of a single moment when I was watching this, where I wasn't marveling at how totally awesome it was. From the opening, where Stallone recites a bunch of crime statistics then kills everyone watching the movie; till the end, which takes place in a factory next to a lemon grove, it's pretty much balls to the wall kick ass. The factory, just in case you were wondering, is cool because it's main exports are sparks, geysers of flame, and giant meat hooks on chains. No one seems to work there. The factory in Cobra kicks serious ass.

Stallone plays a tough cop in this movie. He also plays by his own rules.

He's health conscious too, which is pretty cool. He also has a neon Pepsi sign on his back porch, which is pretty cool too. There are actually kind of alot of Pepsi signs in this movie. This is probably because this movie was made in the 80s and Pepsi kicked serious ass back then. One of the many interesting character quirks in the movie is that Cobras partner really likes sweets. He prefers Coke to Cobras Pepsi, which is one of the many reasons they're kind of an odd couple. Cobra also cuts the tips of his pizza slices off with a pair of scissors. He only eats the tips. That's where all the nutrients are.

The gang Cobra fights in this movie spend all of their free time (when they're not killing people) hanging out with each other in this warehouse clicking axes above their heads. I was alive in the 80's unlike some of my readers, and so can vouch that this is an accurate portrayal of what people in gangs would do, when not killing people.

In conclusion, Cobra rules. Hawks shriek when he closes his eyes. He shoots people then says "drop it". He's got a laser scope. His license plate is Awsom 50. In a cooler world, Cobra IV: Marion Cobretti would be coming soon to a theater near you, unfortunately we live in a world only cool enough for one film in the Cobra franchise. Which is still pretty cool.