Desert Heat

Desert Heat rules. This movie is crazy. Danny Trejo gives Van Damme a foot massage. I didn't see the Expendables but I'll bet nothing nearly as insane happens. A little tip for all you young filmmakers out there. If you ever want to really mess with your viewers heads, just have some tough dude give another tough dude a foot massage. If what happens in Desert Heat is any indication afterward, you can do pretty much whatever you want.

Desert Heat is loosely based on Yojimbo. Van Damme races a coyote with his motorcycle in the beginning of the movie. Van Damme totally beats the Coyote, then does it again at the end of the movie. There's a cool part where he has sex with two girls at the same time. The whole town watches and talks about what a stud he is. It sounds like I'm exaggerating but there's only about six or so people in the town. This is ok because the dude who plays the ghost in the subway from Ghost is one of them. He plays an Indian shopkeeper. Pat Morita is also in it. He spends most of the movie wrapping dead bodies head to toe in Saran Wrap.

So much awesome shit happens in this movie. Shortly after getting a foot massage from Danny Trejo, Van Damme and Trejo have a long talk outside.

And it's really windy outside.

Super windy.

It's so windy that at the end of their talk Van Damme has to say "Windy out here!"

It is that windy while they're talking.

It might be one of the windiest scenes I've ever seen in a movie that didn't involve a boat getting shipwrecked, or the Eiffel Tower getting pushed through the Statue of Liberties eye or something. Twister probably has a couple of scenes that are windier and maybe if Bill Paxton gave Cary Elwes a foot massage I'd give a shit. But y'know what?

He doesn't.

So I don't.


FUCK TWISTER.


Anyways, I know I said at the beginning that this movie rules, but if I wanted to be wholly accurate, I'd have to say that it's totally awesome. You all should see it, this is definitely one of my favorite Van Damme films. It rules.

Also if you search for it on Google image search a punch of furry porn comes up. There is basically nothing wrong with this movie.